The Jumping Foam
by LiveInMyHead
Summary: My long ago written attempt at a Monty Python skit. Eh, I thought it was funny. Written in a sort of script format. Small town in England is having trouble with people coming in droves to commit suicide off the tall clock in the town square. A film crew is documenting the town fire department's testing of a foam agent that they are hoping will save lives.


Disclaimer - In no way shape or form do I claim ownership to Month Python characters or cast and I make no profit off of this.

* * *

Setting: Small town in England is having trouble with people coming in droves to commit suicide off the tall clock in the town square. A film crew is documenting the town fire department's testing of a foam agent that they are hoping will save lives.

Fire Chief: John Cleese

1st Trial-

JC: Here we are at the first testing of the foam. We have a man there now ready to jump.

Reporter: Are these test subjects? Willing participants?

JC: No! Dear God no. He's a real loony, he means it. Oh, here he goes now.

Jumper falls from top, firefighters spray the foam when he's about midway down. Foam forms around man, doesn't harden all the way and splats on the ground. One of the firefighters walks over, looks in and shakes his head.

JC: Well then! Lesson learned. Next time, start the foam a little higher up, shall we?

* * *

2nd Trial-

Another jumper has leaped from the building. Firefighters start spraying foam right away. The ball 'o foam lands safely and the man inside answers when they call to him. Men start cheering, clapping each other on the back. Finally, they cut open the foam and it takes a long time to get through.

JC talking to Doctor played by Michael Palin

JC: What happened?

MP: He suffocated.

JC: Suffocated?!(calms down, looks around.) Erm, men, let's make freeing the jumper our first priority from here on.

MP: Actually, you need to find something to get him out of there much faster. He would have died even if you had started to cut him out immediately.

JC: That does present a problem.

* * *

3rd Trial-

JC: We have here Dr. Fenzworth who has developed an agent that will eat away the foam. We are trying this out for the first time here.

Reporters turn to Dr. Fenzworth (Eric Idle) for a quote.

EI: What we have here is an agent that will eat away the foam.

Reporter waits, expecting more. JC comes into frame, impatient and irritated.

JC: Well, there you have it.

Man falls, they spray the foam. Man lands safely, agent is poured over foam. Foam melts away. Firemen look into foam and start projectile vomiting. The jumper has melted along with the foam. Chief grabs bottle liquid came out of…it's hydrochloric acid. He grabs Dr. Fenzworth by the lapels.

JC: This is acid, you dolt!

EI: Well, yes. Look at that foam melt! (looks all proud of himself)

JC: You melted away the bloody jumper, you prat!

EI: Oh well, that will happen. You said you wanted something to melt foam, there was no mention of not melting a person.

JC: Why you…!

Chief grabs Dr. Fenzworth by the throat, camera shuts off.

* * *

4th Trial:

Chief is looking a bit frazzled, his comb over sticking straight up. He has a crazy grin pasted on his face.

JC: This time we are ready. We have employed state of the art techniques to open the foam without injury to the person within. It is perfectly safe.

Man falls from building, is foamed, and lands safely. Firemen cut him out quickly with chainsaws. Man inside is dead.

JC: Dead?! What..he..he can't be dead, how? (Runs over to man and starts shaking him.) Wake up you bloody sod!

Firemen pull the Chief off the dead man and the doctor (MP) moves in to examine.

MP: Heart attack.

JC: Heart attack? Well, that's just bloody perfect now, isn't it? We devise the perfect execution, perform the perfect rescue and the man dies of a heart attack? Ha ha! Yes, I hear you, God. I understand now. We'll just let them all die if that's what you want. We'll wave at them on the way down, drink tea, offer admission! This fire department saves jumpers no more! I've had it, that's it!

Chief starts to storm off.

MP: Wait! I think he might be alive!

Chief looks over, not pleased. Walks over to jumper, leans down, clubs him in the head, killing him. Turns around, passes doctor, who is looking at him gape eyed.

JC: Not anymore he isn't.

-END-


End file.
